The Takeover

An open letter to the elderly woman and first interviewee in the Al Jazeera interview of 8/13/08:

We would like to address some of your concerns regarding the consequences of Obama’s win on November 4th.

Firstly, you are correct. We Blacks will be taking over. There will be nothing gradual about this takeover; we are all armed and will place ourselves in strategically advantageous locations during the inaugural speech on January 20th. When Obama gives us the code-phrase (we can't tell you what it is, but if you want a head-start then we'd recommend becoming very familiar with the theme from The Jeffersons) we will initiate the takeover.

We will have representatives in New York City to ensure that all financially-related takeover matters occur as planned. These representatives are the same Blacks that took out all those sub-prime mortgages and helped the market crash in the first place. (You were right! It was us!) Blacks will also be stationed at the U.S. Mint branches in Philadelphia and Denver. From the inauguration forth, all United States currency will be printed with a picture of Barack Obama eating a certain food – cornbread on the one-dollar note, collard greens on the five-dollar note, fried chicken on the ten, ribs on the twenty, chitterlings on the fifty, and watermelon on the one-hundred. Some early designs were leaked to the press in California and the response has been overwhelmingly positive. Each denomination of coin will feature a different likeness of Obama on the front, and one of many objects that we Blacks like on the back, including, but not limited to, welfare checks, malt liquor, crack rocks, prison bars, and spinning rims.

In addition to controlling the financial sector and money supply, we will have operatives on stand-by outside the U.S. Capitol and all fifty state legislatures, ready to unseat all U.S. and state representatives when they hear the code-phrase. If you thought the ratification process for the Reconstruction Amendments was unfair, you ain't seen nothin' yet. Blacks will also force resignations from the justices of the state supreme courts, as well as most of the U.S. Supreme Court (Justices Ginsburg and Stevens have already submitted drafts to us, and we're going to keep Justice Thomas on-board, purely for our own amusement). After January 20th please address all concerns to the office of Chief Justice Sharpton.

Culturally, expect to see some changes as well. "Baby Mama" and "Baby Daddy" will replace the traditional but outdated idea of marriage (and you thought The Gays were the main threat), BET will be the only television channel, and the new national anthem will be none other than Sir Mix-a-lot's "Baby got Back". Additionally, affirmative action in hiring and higher education will be abolished in favor of a more transparent and less confusing policy: Blacks only.

These are just some basic points about the takeover. And if this seems like too intelligent of a plan to have been conceived by us Blacks, your intuition is correct. Bill Ayers did most of the organizational work. Good luck on 1/21/09!

Best Regards,

The Blacks

P.S. Nice shades!