Remember the scene in Jurassic Park where the main characters learn that velociraptors can open doors? Yeah, kinda like that, only with tasty treats.
Next the crows will be taught how to go back and forth over whether to get the granola bar or the honeybun, before finally getting the honeybun, but swearing to themselves that this is the last time.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Illinois Sen. Seat, lightly used, potential for growth. Highest Bidder.
Governor Rod Blagojevich of Illinois is a man of subtlety. "[Obama's soon-to-be-vacant senate seat] is a fucking valuable thing, you don't just give it away for nothing." No, no you don't. Not even if federal and state law mandate that you do.
"Look, I wanted to thank you for your continued political support throughout my tenure as Governor, and to congratulate you on your successful presidential campaign. Now, as you know, I have the power to appoint your successor in the Senate. And, call me crazy, but I think I'd do a bang-up job in your cabinet..."
"I'm going to be honest with you - I don't want to spend my entire life in politics. If this funding gets approved, I'll be set for life at the head of a non-profit. I'm not asking for much. And in return? Well, I'd like to talk to you about an appointment that I'm going to have to make soon..."
"Hi Professor, thanks for taking my call. I know my daughter failed your econ final, but she's really hoping to graduate with a 3.0 average. I'm going to ask you to change her grade.
I know, I know, I know. But look, how would you feel about taking an extended sabbatical, starting spring semester?"
"$1.75 for guac!!! Is this a joke??? What the hell - can I take two napkins or is there a "multi-napkin surcharge" too? Look, I just used my last few bills but...uh...do you have any interest in politics?"
"Wow. That was...that was amazing. I've never experienced anything like that. But I've gotta get cleaned up - I told the wife I had a small fundraising dinner. How much do I owe?
$5,000?????
Have you ever heard of the Committee on Foreign Relations?"
"Hi, this is Rod Blagojevich. Are you responding to the craigslist posting?
"Look, I wanted to thank you for your continued political support throughout my tenure as Governor, and to congratulate you on your successful presidential campaign. Now, as you know, I have the power to appoint your successor in the Senate. And, call me crazy, but I think I'd do a bang-up job in your cabinet..."
"I'm going to be honest with you - I don't want to spend my entire life in politics. If this funding gets approved, I'll be set for life at the head of a non-profit. I'm not asking for much. And in return? Well, I'd like to talk to you about an appointment that I'm going to have to make soon..."
"Hi Professor, thanks for taking my call. I know my daughter failed your econ final, but she's really hoping to graduate with a 3.0 average. I'm going to ask you to change her grade.
I know, I know, I know. But look, how would you feel about taking an extended sabbatical, starting spring semester?"
"$1.75 for guac!!! Is this a joke??? What the hell - can I take two napkins or is there a "multi-napkin surcharge" too? Look, I just used my last few bills but...uh...do you have any interest in politics?"
"Wow. That was...that was amazing. I've never experienced anything like that. But I've gotta get cleaned up - I told the wife I had a small fundraising dinner. How much do I owe?
$5,000?????
Have you ever heard of the Committee on Foreign Relations?"
"Hi, this is Rod Blagojevich. Are you responding to the craigslist posting?
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Craziness Becomes Me
Ok...this is New York City. With this many millions of people around you're bound to experience a few whose head ain't screwed on straight, but what if you start seeing them around every corner. Is it that they are all crazy, or have I become such.
A friend asked me a good place to throw a birthday party for her friend. So I suggest a place that I myself had a very successful party at and figure we could probably go two for two right...? Wrong!!! There are far too many crazy people around here for things to go well for too long.
Yea...Ladies if you're unsure of whether you will be deemed as crazy or not if you break a beer bottle open and stab your boyfriend of 5 years with it because you see him carrying on a conversation with another female, the answer is "HECK YEA!!!" I mean...WTF?!
My evening of craziness didn't end there though. My good buddy and I decide to take the train home to save a few bucks on cab fare. To my delight there happened to be a fellow Ivy League Alumnus already on board the train. At first I wanted to greet this Princeton Tiger, but upon making eye contact he reffers to me as a "House nigga!" (I guess I shouldn't have worn the nice loafers and blazer out that night) threatens to kill my friend and me along with anyone else that he wishes would so much as look as him.
A nice young gentleman enters the train wearing a Pittsburgh Steelers hat, and the Princeton-ite takes extreme offense to this perfectly neutral accessory and says, "What the F*%k yo lookin at punk?! Man I'll beat that hat off you, and bust yo a$$ like the Cowboys gonna do them gay a%$ Steelers on Sunday! Mutha F*#ker I'll kill you!" After beating the ceiling of the train a few more times and screaming whatever obscenities he could come up with, he finally calmed down and screamed, "Man I'm gonna kill somebody! Just watch, when I get up there I'm gonna catch me a body or two!"
To all Princeton Alumns out there; if you're curious of whether people will consider you crazy if you threaten to kill complete strangers on the D train at 2:30 in the morning after a Friday night out. The answer is "Heck YEA!!!" I mean for real, WTF?!!
After fearing for my life twice in a single weekend I decide to head to church this morning and escape all this insanity and feel the warmth of God's grace. Huh...how about no! Of the 3 services they hold at Brooklyn Tabernacle on Sunday, of the 5000 and something seats within the auditorium of the B.T, I somehow Effed up again and managed to pick not only the service, but the exact seat that placed me right next to...yea, you guessed it, the craziest person of them all. And I was early for service this morning too so there is absolutely no excuse for this.
But this guys was completely gone on. One minute he's responding to the service like any normal member would do. The next minute he screams out, "All of you are damned to hell! All of you will be judged and burn, all of you are killer!" Like myself, most of us in ear shot tried to pretend we didn't just hear that...you know, like somehow it was clearly just in our heads. But Pastor Cymbala then points out that sin is death and of course my neighbor exclaims. "You can kill me! I'm ready to be hung! You all want to kill me anyway!"
To any jeans, Reebok Pumps and Patriots sweatshirt wearing church goers who might not be sure that blurting evil statements in the middle of a church program would be perceived as crazy, let me take a second to lead you to an answer. HECK Fother Mucking YES!!! OMG WTF?!!!
That's all I got. Please...to all the crazy people out there, stay the heck away from me please!
A friend asked me a good place to throw a birthday party for her friend. So I suggest a place that I myself had a very successful party at and figure we could probably go two for two right...? Wrong!!! There are far too many crazy people around here for things to go well for too long.
Yea...Ladies if you're unsure of whether you will be deemed as crazy or not if you break a beer bottle open and stab your boyfriend of 5 years with it because you see him carrying on a conversation with another female, the answer is "HECK YEA!!!" I mean...WTF?!
My evening of craziness didn't end there though. My good buddy and I decide to take the train home to save a few bucks on cab fare. To my delight there happened to be a fellow Ivy League Alumnus already on board the train. At first I wanted to greet this Princeton Tiger, but upon making eye contact he reffers to me as a "House nigga!" (I guess I shouldn't have worn the nice loafers and blazer out that night) threatens to kill my friend and me along with anyone else that he wishes would so much as look as him.
A nice young gentleman enters the train wearing a Pittsburgh Steelers hat, and the Princeton-ite takes extreme offense to this perfectly neutral accessory and says, "What the F*%k yo lookin at punk?! Man I'll beat that hat off you, and bust yo a$$ like the Cowboys gonna do them gay a%$ Steelers on Sunday! Mutha F*#ker I'll kill you!" After beating the ceiling of the train a few more times and screaming whatever obscenities he could come up with, he finally calmed down and screamed, "Man I'm gonna kill somebody! Just watch, when I get up there I'm gonna catch me a body or two!"
To all Princeton Alumns out there; if you're curious of whether people will consider you crazy if you threaten to kill complete strangers on the D train at 2:30 in the morning after a Friday night out. The answer is "Heck YEA!!!" I mean for real, WTF?!!
After fearing for my life twice in a single weekend I decide to head to church this morning and escape all this insanity and feel the warmth of God's grace. Huh...how about no! Of the 3 services they hold at Brooklyn Tabernacle on Sunday, of the 5000 and something seats within the auditorium of the B.T, I somehow Effed up again and managed to pick not only the service, but the exact seat that placed me right next to...yea, you guessed it, the craziest person of them all. And I was early for service this morning too so there is absolutely no excuse for this.
But this guys was completely gone on. One minute he's responding to the service like any normal member would do. The next minute he screams out, "All of you are damned to hell! All of you will be judged and burn, all of you are killer!" Like myself, most of us in ear shot tried to pretend we didn't just hear that...you know, like somehow it was clearly just in our heads. But Pastor Cymbala then points out that sin is death and of course my neighbor exclaims. "You can kill me! I'm ready to be hung! You all want to kill me anyway!"
To any jeans, Reebok Pumps and Patriots sweatshirt wearing church goers who might not be sure that blurting evil statements in the middle of a church program would be perceived as crazy, let me take a second to lead you to an answer. HECK Fother Mucking YES!!! OMG WTF?!!!
That's all I got. Please...to all the crazy people out there, stay the heck away from me please!
Thursday, December 4, 2008
The Takeover
An open letter to the elderly woman and first interviewee in the Al Jazeera interview of 8/13/08:
We would like to address some of your concerns regarding the consequences of Obama’s win on November 4th.
Firstly, you are correct. We Blacks will be taking over. There will be nothing gradual about this takeover; we are all armed and will place ourselves in strategically advantageous locations during the inaugural speech on January 20th. When Obama gives us the code-phrase (we can't tell you what it is, but if you want a head-start then we'd recommend becoming very familiar with the theme from The Jeffersons) we will initiate the takeover.
We will have representatives in New York City to ensure that all financially-related takeover matters occur as planned. These representatives are the same Blacks that took out all those sub-prime mortgages and helped the market crash in the first place. (You were right! It was us!) Blacks will also be stationed at the U.S. Mint branches in Philadelphia and Denver. From the inauguration forth, all United States currency will be printed with a picture of Barack Obama eating a certain food – cornbread on the one-dollar note, collard greens on the five-dollar note, fried chicken on the ten, ribs on the twenty, chitterlings on the fifty, and watermelon on the one-hundred. Some early designs were leaked to the press in California and the response has been overwhelmingly positive. Each denomination of coin will feature a different likeness of Obama on the front, and one of many objects that we Blacks like on the back, including, but not limited to, welfare checks, malt liquor, crack rocks, prison bars, and spinning rims.
In addition to controlling the financial sector and money supply, we will have operatives on stand-by outside the U.S. Capitol and all fifty state legislatures, ready to unseat all U.S. and state representatives when they hear the code-phrase. If you thought the ratification process for the Reconstruction Amendments was unfair, you ain't seen nothin' yet. Blacks will also force resignations from the justices of the state supreme courts, as well as most of the U.S. Supreme Court (Justices Ginsburg and Stevens have already submitted drafts to us, and we're going to keep Justice Thomas on-board, purely for our own amusement). After January 20th please address all concerns to the office of Chief Justice Sharpton.
Culturally, expect to see some changes as well. "Baby Mama" and "Baby Daddy" will replace the traditional but outdated idea of marriage (and you thought The Gays were the main threat), BET will be the only television channel, and the new national anthem will be none other than Sir Mix-a-lot's "Baby got Back". Additionally, affirmative action in hiring and higher education will be abolished in favor of a more transparent and less confusing policy: Blacks only.
These are just some basic points about the takeover. And if this seems like too intelligent of a plan to have been conceived by us Blacks, your intuition is correct. Bill Ayers did most of the organizational work. Good luck on 1/21/09!
Best Regards,
The Blacks
P.S. Nice shades!
We would like to address some of your concerns regarding the consequences of Obama’s win on November 4th.
Firstly, you are correct. We Blacks will be taking over. There will be nothing gradual about this takeover; we are all armed and will place ourselves in strategically advantageous locations during the inaugural speech on January 20th. When Obama gives us the code-phrase (we can't tell you what it is, but if you want a head-start then we'd recommend becoming very familiar with the theme from The Jeffersons) we will initiate the takeover.
We will have representatives in New York City to ensure that all financially-related takeover matters occur as planned. These representatives are the same Blacks that took out all those sub-prime mortgages and helped the market crash in the first place. (You were right! It was us!) Blacks will also be stationed at the U.S. Mint branches in Philadelphia and Denver. From the inauguration forth, all United States currency will be printed with a picture of Barack Obama eating a certain food – cornbread on the one-dollar note, collard greens on the five-dollar note, fried chicken on the ten, ribs on the twenty, chitterlings on the fifty, and watermelon on the one-hundred. Some early designs were leaked to the press in California and the response has been overwhelmingly positive. Each denomination of coin will feature a different likeness of Obama on the front, and one of many objects that we Blacks like on the back, including, but not limited to, welfare checks, malt liquor, crack rocks, prison bars, and spinning rims.
In addition to controlling the financial sector and money supply, we will have operatives on stand-by outside the U.S. Capitol and all fifty state legislatures, ready to unseat all U.S. and state representatives when they hear the code-phrase. If you thought the ratification process for the Reconstruction Amendments was unfair, you ain't seen nothin' yet. Blacks will also force resignations from the justices of the state supreme courts, as well as most of the U.S. Supreme Court (Justices Ginsburg and Stevens have already submitted drafts to us, and we're going to keep Justice Thomas on-board, purely for our own amusement). After January 20th please address all concerns to the office of Chief Justice Sharpton.
Culturally, expect to see some changes as well. "Baby Mama" and "Baby Daddy" will replace the traditional but outdated idea of marriage (and you thought The Gays were the main threat), BET will be the only television channel, and the new national anthem will be none other than Sir Mix-a-lot's "Baby got Back". Additionally, affirmative action in hiring and higher education will be abolished in favor of a more transparent and less confusing policy: Blacks only.
These are just some basic points about the takeover. And if this seems like too intelligent of a plan to have been conceived by us Blacks, your intuition is correct. Bill Ayers did most of the organizational work. Good luck on 1/21/09!
Best Regards,
The Blacks
P.S. Nice shades!
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